The feeling of sadness has come again!

I cried last night again. I really felt so sad. My tears just kept falling down my cheeks and it wet my pillow. I just cried non-stop like a baby. I cried till I fell asleep n I could feel tat my eyes r a bit swollen today.
I told him tat if you love me, you would give up e chance. I felt so selfish. Even though when comes to love, everyone would be selfish. But I felt so sad when I said out tat sentence. I just couldnt bear to leave him go, even it was just 6 mths. I dont even dare to think if he really went away next yr, wat I would do. As to me, I felt that anything could just happen. I cant bluff myself to believe tat everything would turn out to be just fine.
But I really hope n pray tat he will give up e chance n not go. Would heaven just grant me this tiny wish just for once? I would promise to be a gd gal. haha I seems to be hallucinating again.
I really dont know wat I will do if it happens in my shoe. But I knew tat it will never, never happen in my life as I am not rich. My mind is in a blank. I could still felt e feeling of sadness still lingering in me now.
I heard this song 'When you believe' on e radio last night. The first thing tat came to my mind was I dont believe in miracles. Miracles just dont happen in my life, I was never lucky. I believe in fate and I always believe tat everything is fated cause miracles will never happen. Miracles will just happen in e world of fantasy, where everything is so wonderful n nice.
You could say tat I am a pessimist but I dont care. I can be an optimist in certain things, but in this case, I am a pessimist.