气死我了。。

我快要暴砸了。我的心情现在无法平恒下来。

我现在一直提醒自己不要把我的愤怒摆在脸上。

我不应该听到他在电话所说的话，现在才不会把我气的想暴砸。

我知道我不应该太结意，可是我就是做不到。。

我的就是我的，别人就是不可以要。。

就算是我不要的，你也不可以要。。

那就是我。。

My bd this year, 2013..

Managed to take these 2 more pictures before my handphone decided to have no battery on my birthday.. It quietly, quietly said gd nite to me at 12am.. Thanks, my dear phone..

My pre-bd dinner at Ippudo X Tao..

My bd cake of the year and me.. :)

                                     

Have a surprised staycation at Studio M hotel by him.. I have been always wanting to try the room at the hotel.. The room is not bad after all.. 2 TVs for our convenience.. :)

As it is a double deck in the room, we have to walk up and down the stairs when we go to the toilet which it was a bit inconvenient.. It was a great experience after all.. :)

We have black pepper crabs for my bd dinner.. Too bad my phone has no battery, so there is no pic to share..

Thanks for those who wishes me over sms, whatsapp, facebook and facebook msg.. Though it is only a 1 day celebration, I have enjoyed myself.. Thanks for him who arranged it.. :)

16 years..

Time really flies. 16 years have just gone passed just like tat.

Today is the saddest day of my life on 16 years ago and it still is till now. I just cant believe tat u will leave us behind and go on with your next life.

I know it has been hard on you to suffer so much and the rest of the ppl who do not understand the pain that you are going through are still complaining about you. I will remember of how they have treated you and will treat them the way that they have treated you when they are sick. As there is a saying 'Dont treat other as if you dont want others to treat upon you.' I believe one of them is getting the retribution and I will wait to see how the rest are.

I remember you that you once said tat when you are gone 1 day, when I call out your name, you will not be able to answer me back. I thought you were kidding at that point of time but I understand the pain now.

How many a time when I need you and call out to you, there is no reply from you but only the sound of my crying. How many a time when I saw other children having the joy of their life hugging their beloved one but you are not around. I really envy them but I cant do anything.

16 years have passed. How are the both of you doing? Have the both of you been reincarnated to human  again living a better life than you are alive? I sincerely believe and will always pray tat the Gods will be kind to you. The reason being that the both of you are the best human in the whole world. You brought no harm but only warmth and love to the ppl surrounding you.

Though 16 years have passed, I am still unable to get through the pain of losing you. I believe the pain will always remain there forever and when the clock strikes 11am, my world is just in a piece of darkness. No one will ever drive me home again when I am sick, no one will care whether I am happy in another place and tell me to come home and you will feed me, no one to take care of my wounds when I fall down, no one will tell me tat it is ok when I didnt do well and alot more.

I always questioned why it must happen to me. What have I done to undergo the pain of losing 2 of my beloved ones in a span of 5 years? Why cant I have the both of them till you are old and die when you see us grown up or even have children? Why must the Gods be so cruel to me?

Though I have gone to visit the both of you on Sun and I am unable to do so today on the actual day, I just want to say that no one can never replace the both of you in my mind, heart and soul. I still and will forever miss the both of you.

Mood = Super low..

I felt so silly and stupid.. Thinking tat a feedback might be gd but in e end, they chose to believe in her instead..

In the end, I got a very harsh treatment.. It was just talk after all.. Wat is e use of saying tat u will be protected if u r being bullied or discriminated? If in e end, e result was something so unexpected..

So to them, I must just keep quiet.. I cannot feedback at all? So if there is a knife pointing at my neck already, I must just keep quiet and let e person stab me to death?

Things have happened and watever I am saying now are all useless.. I really hope time can tell.. Tell them wat kind of person I am and wat kind of person she is..

The emo me..

20 Apr '11 marks my 1 and 1/2 yrs of working life with my previous company. Felt rather sad at the end.. Till e end, there is still no proper saying good-bye meal with all of them.. Grouping is still being practised at the end..

I embarked on my new working life journey on 25 Apr '11 with the new company. Feeling lost and excited at the same time, I told myself tat I can do it no matter how difficult it is. Whenever I felt lost, I would remind myself abt one sentence 'Dare to try'. I always wanted a challenge or something else in my working life. I got it.

Till today 18 May '11, I started to feel discouraged especially after hearing 'So and so have progressed alot and have done a lot of work but for ur, it is still very little, just for ur info'. I am starting to feel tat maybe I am not suitable for this job or am I working too slowly?! I got wat I wanted for but why am I feeling this way?

I hate the feeling when ppl kept chasing me for things.. Especially when they start saying 'I have told u before or I have given u info before u came in and asked u to think rite?!' Being mercenary, have they pay me to do the work before I am being hired?

I also wanted to do things fast.. I only have 8 hrs or rather 7 hrs of work after deducting 1 hr of lunch to do the things on my hand.. When I want to do something, so and so would say 'Can help to do this or can help to do tat?!' I am supposed to sacrifice my after-work time for them too?!

Given less than 1 month experience or rather adjustment in this company, I felt tat i am supposed to turn things over nite.. Am i hired as a magician? Or have I given myelf too much excuses all these while?

I should be happy tat someone gave me a chance to work in this company and try everything on myself knowing tat I no longer have a superior above me to mend my faults.. However, I am starting not to feel this way..

I dont know.. The more I try, the harder it seems to reach.. I shall try till I have no more strength to carry on.. I am feeling like a battery tat is leaking its power..

Jia you, jia you.. I know I CAN.. I will prove them wrong!!

Just the sad me..

This corner of my table have kept me accompany for the past 1 year..

In this 1 year, I have added and lessen items into this corner.. Adding melody to it to brighten up my day..
Calendar to let me know the public holidays and which date it is today.. Placing impt notes to keep me reminded of the things.. Listening to online radio channel 99.9fm when I come to work on Mon - Fri and Sat when I have to work.. It is a taiwanese channel.. Do go and listen to it.. It is worth listening..

As days get nearer to 20 Apr '11, I feel a sign of relief and sadness..

Relief cause I am finally leaving.. Yeah.. :) I have also been contemplating to leave this job when I hit the bottom but I still didnt go.. Though 1 of my friend has emailed me couple of available jobs but everytime I hold back..

Sadness cause I am only getting a bit closer to the present colleagues now and after tat, everyone will be separated..

Though I said tat I didnt want to do this project anymore, but it is like my first baby and I came back to this place after 3 years.. So I have a mixed feeling now..'

Maybe this is just life.. U willnt be with this person or company for life.. In the first place I should not feel so atached to anyone or anything.. Argh..

Just me..

I feel so disappointed in tat person.. Being a director, she has said things tat i changed my opinion of her..

Conversation with her:

A: Yesterday e gal told u tat she has interview others first right..
S: Yes
A: I cant give you an answer..  If u cant wait, u go and sign first..

I am really wondering if she knows wat she can or cant say.. Even if you dont wish to keep me, I suppose u dont have to say until so direct rite?! As wat I have mentioned to others, I dont have the value like e others to keep me in this company..

In the first place, u dont even wish to keep anyone from the way tat u have said in the first meeting.. Then why u meet me, u turn around and say tat if I am forthcoming, u can plan easier?! Turn around and say tat it is my fault..

I gave them and myself another chance and I am seriously thinking whether I have made a wrong choice.. I have postponed from tue to wed and now to tml.. Cause I dont know wat I am doing now.. I feel so confused and disappointed..

Pissed off

I feel so pissed off after someone told me a piece of news this morning..

Bloody hell.. He is a Manager and above level and so old, dont he know wat he can or cant say? Must we send him to kindergarden anot? A grown-up man like him doesnt know wat he cant say..

Bloody hell say I am spy.. I suppose he looks more like e one who is going over to e other side.. He wants to pass so much information to e other party.. Till today, I am still wondering how he climb up to tat level? He is not so gd and he has hidden so much information from us.. If things happen, he will turn around and say tat it is our fault..

Pissed off.. Feel like just giving him a very painful slap.. By e way, he is encouraging almost everyone to join e other company directly and indirectly.. How gd can this Manager be?! 

I am so angry now..